09/02/1994
Before falling asleep, I hear myself telling Mick how much money I think he owes me for Voodoo Lounge: $20,000.
TROU DE MEMOIRE.
09/05/1994
Middle of the night: Stones are singing "You got to move." A cardboard box with a Lion insignia. (For moving.)
09/06/1994
Before falling asleep I attempted sexual fusion with Mick. Intense chakra activity: solar plexus, heart, throat. It was climaxing and on the point of sleep when outside a voice called out, "Perfect!" It sounded like burglars in the alley. Then there was the sound of a zipper being zipped. Just guys, a bit drunk, having a piss.
DREAMS: That there is a little more money in my bank account than I thought. (In fact, my Quebec tax refund arrived unexpectedly this morning, leaving me a little extra cash for paying bills.)
(2) I am making a presentation of some kind. It involves preparation of a meal. I put my plate together with someone else's, and say "I'm creating a new religion."
Image of Mick holding a dildo-like object. Using it on me.
Afternoon: I fell asleep exhausted after two days of working late at night. Again, a very strong energy in the heart.
DREAM: A TV game show. A (blonde? older?) woman is accumulating many points and her young male opponent allows it to happen. He seems to feel confident that he can win by taking the line of least resistance. He looks like a young Mick Jagger. But then a crazy short-haired woman in a jean jacket (she looks like me) starts winning points. She has built a weird airplane which no one believes will fly but suddenly it takes off across the studio and lands on a high window ledge. The young man wakes up and remembers the game is not over.
(2) Image of Mick in a hotel bedroom. He sits up in bed, disoriented, groggy, as if he'd been dreaming about all this and can't quite grasp or believe it. I see him very clearly and the image lasts a long time. It's as if we were observing each other through some sort of dream tv hookup. As if he felt my presence in the room with him.
09/07/1994
Something about being in a new place, a new city, like Vancouver, and walking down the sidewalk. People notice me. A nice looking man with long grey hair smiles as I pass.
I'm saying something to Mick, explaining what I'm all about, just as I wake up. (Before I went to sleep last night I was thinking, Really I'm all about Death.)
09/08/1994
DREAMS: Mick comes to my door. Before he even crosses the threshold or touches a light switch, all the lights come blazing on.
09/09/1994
A voice says: "Arriving late, she will adorn herself as she is dressed."
09/10/1994
Mick is saying he really resents the way he's been pushed out of his own home, made to feel he doesn't live there anymore.
(2) I'm travelling in Greece. I'm on a beautiful island with a younger woman who aspires to be a writer (journalist). A bit like Susan G. We leave one beautiful island for another place -- on the mainland. I am carrying a white male cat with me: in my arms, in a bag, on my back. He's very strong and sometimes struggles to get away -- especially when we find ourselves in a crowd of people shopping. After riding in a boat and crossing a bridge, as well as walking a long way through a town, we finally rejoin Susan (?) who has gone on ahead to get the house ready where we'll be staying. By this time the cat has decided to stick with me.
09/11/1994
(Meditating, Dharmadhatu): I remember the part of my last tape to Mick where I summarized Oedipus at Colonnus and asked him to answer: "You may speak now." Just then, two loud knocks shake the meditation hall as the wind blows the door shut.
(2) Image of a tall, black-robed man, and the word "Lord." Then someone says, "I've been in the desert all these years, not literally but in my head. But that's over now." (This a response to a realization I was having that the crux of it all is that Mick did nothing wrong, and caught all the blame after Altamont. A real injustice and reversal.)
(3) A Lion in the forest.
Something profound is going on.
09/12/1994
Election Day
Sandy dreamed that he met Mick and Keith. After talking with Keith, Mick bustled in and started sharpening his penis on a grindstone. They told Sandy how much they liked his music.
09/13/1994
Mick walking beside two little little black girls with pigtails.
Also should mention the intense chakra activity: last night it was heart/solar plexus. I seemed to go somewhere and woke up suddenly with a loud "bump". Couldn't fall asleep and was awake most of the night. Woke before six and stayed awake. This morning at around 9 when I started typing I felt very powerful sexual vibes. My womb seemed to be jumping around. Orgiastic fantasies involving me blowing M. and being fucked by the entire world.
09/14/1994
Mick was there and we were talking, or naked. I'm making a lot of plans, giving a lot of directions...
09/15/1994
About 3 a.m. I'm woken by a little sequence about Mick at the end of which he rings a little bell just like the one that dangles above my altar. It's a long, drawn out and pure little tinkling noise. Falling back to sleep, I dream of a prowler around the house, the sound of (dream-) footsteps. I lie awake till nearly 6. Between 6 and 9 I have some truly wild and colourful dreams. There seem to be two rock videos being made, one with Leonard, the other with the Stones. I'm in the middle of them too, somehow. This description does not do justice to the strangeness and excitement, the sense of a great culmination, which took me by surprise.
Something about feeling you are in control of a choatic situation, only to realize things are way out of control. Hysteria and the audience and the times we live in etc.
Went through my notebooks and discovered I had told the entire story through my recorded dreams. "I'm a pro." This has turned out to be true. The Mary Queen of Scots made me laugh.
09/16/1994
Dreams about social unrest in Quebec.
Someone says, "My long blonde."
Image of Mick? leaving a woman with long blond hair on a bed of leaves in the forest. She's like some medieval damsel, and her throat has been slit and stitched up -- by a vampire?
09/17/1994
Long, plot-driven Dreams confused by the sound of pouring rain in the night. All I remember is a lot of mad activity. At one point I'm racing to pack my underwear because I've got to leave quickly.
09/18/1994
Many more dreams. One about a country ruled by vampires, a sort of cross between Haiti and Roumania. But it's Roumania. Some story evolves within this situation, during which I'm afraid the same vampire government may be developing in Quebec.
I go back to sleep and find myself in the same dream. Waking up again, I draw the connection that Leonard's extreme coldness and neglect of "loved ones" (vampire nature) came from his mother. That this coldness is a country for him, a vast landscape he can't leave. He can fuck whores, but the moment a woman draws close to him his mother appears and regains control. His emotions, literally, wither and die because she lives in him, sucking on his emotions. His Don Juan-ism as a young man was both a rebellion and a capitulation to her power over him. He was never able to love his wife or any woman after Marianne, whom he still turned into a mother. When she tried to come back to her, he humiliated her publicly. His personal life has been a disaster ever since he left home because his mother had laid claim to it all.
Leonard appears? I think? With something to say about my collaboration with the Stones? He finds it funny and interesting?
Later someone talks about his teacher, Diamond Anne. It's a momentous kind of announcement. I realize this is my job at present.
Something also about Sandy being a good-looking guy with a good heart, that this is how he will impress people in future.
09/19/1994
I realize that as I fall asleep if I focus on Mick I can always get my chakras going, and when I do I never need more than 5 hours sleep. When this first happened to me (in New Mexico at Rohatsu, 1986) I imagined it was satori.
09/23/1994
Dreaming about Ferencz in a scenario of moving day. I acquire a stereo player. But then it turns into a motorcycle.
09/24/1994
A few people are standing around like figures in a board game. It's a bit like a labyrinth, or pinball machine. Each person represents a stage of consciousness. I am the last person, looking like myself in my recent white wedding dress.
Looking down from the board as from the Mount Royal lookout, I see the city stretching out to the Olympic stadium,except that the cityscape stops suddenly at a river. On the opposite shore, which is very visible and closer than I would have expected, is a beautiful, green-and-gold countryside.
09/25/1994
I wake up from a dream in which I'm living (or dining) in the Himalayas. After which I lie awake for 2 hours.
I go to pay some bills (with Anna P) and realize I am really broke. The bills have got to be paid, but money has got to start arriving from somewhere soon.
09/26/1994
One of the Hell's Angels has agreed to donate his (big white) ass to a museum of Rock and Roll history.
With mum. Things happen, we talk, I'm going somewhere? Then she's lying in a bathtub, naked, with bloodied feet and ankles. I'm washing her. Then I see she's stiff, immobile, her mouth open. Dead? She reminds me of "a foetus".
Something about a cat who appears, very intelligent and realized. Almost human. I say something to this cat which makes much sense, but I can't remember what.
09/29/1994
I meet a man, some sort of businessman or politician who talks a lot. Finally I realize he is from the Reform Party.