Silhouettes sped through the dark night as the train continued its horizontal plunge. Biff and Teddy couldn't sleep, as their minds were occupied with the reason for their trip, and what lay ahead at their destination. The medium sized package rested on the lap of Ted, who was the older and more responsible of the two, but now and then the motion of the train threatened to topple it from its place to the floor below. This box, you see, had a rather high centre of gravity, and being taller than it was wide, was prone to falling over unless someone held it with a steadying hand. Ted was doing this. However, his anxious state of mind, coupled with the effects of encroaching slumber long fought off, often caused his hand to slip, exposing the box to danger.
Biff, his own mind taken up with a similar set of worries, stared ahead at the soiled photograph of a Northern lake which was sealed into plastic on the seat in front of him. So neither of the two was aware when an especially bad weld in the rails beneath them gave the train car a bump, and tumbled the box into the aisle. Unfortunately, due to some flaw of construction in the box, the top fell open, and the object contained inside rolled free amidst the feet and ankles of unaware passengers. Due to its round yet irregular shape, it rolled freely, yet certain protuberances made it bump and bounce according to its own trajectory and the motion of the train. Teddy was the first to notice it missing. He lifted his hand, which held at the moment nothing, and noticed this condition with a rising sense of horror. It took all of his willpower to avoid screaming out in panic at that instant. Biff still hadn't realised what was taking place. Teddy, rising out of his seat, saw the overturned box, and then saw with compounded horror that the container was empty. Hurriedly he scurried out of his place and began anxiously to scan the floor and under the various other seats, trying to catch a glimpse of his precious cargo.
It was an especially trying time for Ted, since he obviously could not ask somebody if he or she had seen a ---. The unique and rather private nature of the article precluded him from naming it out loud, or even in his mind. No, our hero Ted simply steeled his gaze and bent lower, questing for the missing object. One thing he did not notice, so engrossed was he in his search, was that the conductor was wearing polished brogues as that gentleman continued on his rounds, walking down the aisle. Those sober feet nearly contacted Ted's twitching posterior, which had already attracted the curious attention of some of the other passengers. Instead, the conductor gave a light brush against one of Ted's own feet before speaking.
"Ahem. Are you looking for something?"
"No!" shouted Tom, straightening up suddenly. Then amending his speech to say: "Why yes. My dog has run away."
The officer looked at the young man with suspicion. "You know we don't allow pets outside the baggage car."
Ted laughed in what he hoped was a carefree way. "Ah - I know. I was just taking it out for a little exercise."
"Well," said the conductor, fierce eyes rolling under winged eyebrows, "we shall just have to find him, then."
And off went the conductor, bending low in his shiny serge uniform, making coaxing sounds under the train seats, looking for the imaginary dog. Teddy breathed a sign of relief. Whoosh, what a sigh, if you could have only been there to feel it. Like a gust of wind down a canyon, or a geyser, in its intermittent eruption. It was a fierce sigh. Teddy had to sit back and catch his breath before doing anything else. Then he went back to try and find the object. What kind of object was it? That is what you would like to know. I'm sure most of you have an idea, but boy are you going to be surprised. At least some of you. Because if you were really following along, you will expect the double twist which I am going to put on the story, O Henry style, where (dare I say it?) no I am not.
Anyways, both Ted and the conductor were searching. Ted was obviously hoping he found the object first, before the conductor could get any idea of what the he and the other young man were up to. Really, now the conductor wasn't looking for any dog, but was indeed looking for the same thing that Ted was looking for. Only he was hoping to find it first and incriminate the youth with whatever evidence was brought to light (cliches! Cliches!). So Ted and the conductor were off searching in their random patterns the whole of the train car. Eventually, they had to meet (didn't you know it?) They came together at a seat which happened to be holding a child, and this child just happened to be holding the object which was the subject of so much attention.
"Eeek!" Teddy just about said, but what he really did was give a sharp intake of breath, a little like one of those sighs described earlier, but maybe not as explosive. But his hair stood on end and his hand went up to his mouth, and he displayed all signs of being astonished. Not as astonished was he however, as was the conductor. For what the two of them beheld there was a little two year old child. Bright cheeked, healthy, and with long blonde hair. The little boy giggled and smiled at his two gaping onlookers. In his hands he held the object, a hideously expensive Ming vase, studded with figures from the Tang dynasty. The thing was priceless! Teddy and Biff were taking it home to mother as a housewarming gift. She was just moving into her new twenty-story mansion, and of course she needed furniture to fill all of those rooms. "The place just eats up furniture!" That's what mom used to say.
(c) Jack Ruttan, 1998